The Uninvited Guest
by Stellaluna.3
Summary: Rory discovers that Jess is hiding a dark secret. A dark and... furry secret? Mostly self-indulgent fluff, in the same universe as "Daddy Shark" and "Long and Winding Road."


**Happy Halloween! And in honor of all the snow outside my window, here's a little fic that actually takes place at Christmas, but has absolutely nothing to do with Christmas whatsoever... Mostly I needed an excuse to write this little scene that I wouldn't have been able to fit into my other fic, "Long and Winding Road." So, without further ado, here are Rory and Jess, at some point during the big Gilmore-Danes Christmas gathering. This takes place after Richie's born, but before they start dating... so they're basically flirting shamelessly every time they're together, and then second-guessing everything every time they're apart. This is basically an absolutely gratuitous amount of flirty banter with almost no plot, and I'm not even sorry!**

**A reminder: I have issues with swearing, but Jess does it a lot. So, in order for both of us to remain true to ourselves, he will continue to say whatever he feels like saying, and I will continue to bleep it out! Sorry if it's weird, but that's the arrangement we have. ;-)**

"So, what's going on with you lately, Jess?" Rory asked, sidling up to Jess in the kitchen. He looked awfully nice in that tight, dark green sweater, she noticed… but then, she'd noticed that earlier too.

Jess smiled. "Well, my roommate, Chris, just got engaged, so _that's_ pretty significant."

"Wow! We're happy for him, right?"

He nodded, "_Very_ happy. They've been together for a while now, so it was a long time coming. But this also means he's moving out, 'cause he'd rather live with his _fiancée_ than with _me_, for some odd reason…"

"Aw, so it'll just be you, now?"

"Yep. It's just two old bachelors left." He muttered the last part softly, almost to himself.

Rory scrunched her face up in confusion. "Wait. So you have _two_ roommates?"

Jess shifted, his eyes darting to the side before he managed to school his face into a picture of innocence. "Did I say two? 'Cause I meant one."

Rory narrowed her eyes. "No, you didn't!"

Jess sighed wearily. "Ok, so there may be one other... entity that lives in my apartment."

"_Entity_?! Do I need to call you an _exorcist_?!"

"Some might say that..." he muttered darkly.

"Jess?!"

"Fine. There is a... cat. That lives with me."

"A cat," Rory repeated blankly. "You have a _cat_?"

"I do not _have_ a cat!" Jess insisted indignantly. "The cat lives in my apartment. There's a difference."

"So... it's Chris's cat? Then why wouldn't he be taking it with him?"

"It's not Chris's cat either. It just… lives with me."

Rory cocked her head to one side. "Okaaaay… What's its name?"

"I don't know, he never mentioned it, funnily enough."

Rory laughed. "Jess! You didn't give him a _name_?!"

"He's not a _pet_, Rory, he's a f***ing _squatter_ that _will not leave_."

"Uh-huh. Do you feed him?"

"Well, _obviously_. He'd make my life a living hell if I didn't."

"Hmm, of course," Rory nodded, a knowing smirk growing on her lips. "Did you get him a litter box too?"

"Well, I don't want him sh**ing in my bed, so yeah, it seemed like a necessity."

She grinned devilishly. "Aw, do you scoop it out every day with a little shovel?"

"Is there a _point_ to all this, Gilmore?" Jess growled, glaring at her.

Rory raised her hands innocently. "I'm just saying, you seem to be working pretty hard at keeping him comfortable where he is, for all your talk about wanting him to _leave_…"

"Whatever." He shook his head.

"So, do you just call him 'Cat,' then, _Holly Golightly_?"

Jess laughed, "Wow, I don't think I've _ever_ been compared to _that_ 'Breakfast at Tiffany's' character before."

"Which implies that you've been compared to others?"

Jess shrugged casually. "Well, Luke _did_ once ask me if I was a gigolo, so…"

"_What?!"_

"Yeah! It was when I first started working at Walmart back in highschool, and Luke was trying to figure out how I got the money for my car. I think he assumed I'd robbed a bank or something, but I kept giving all these evasive non-answers about it 'cause I was embarrassed about working there…"

"Yeah, it _was_ kind of a betrayal of everything you stood for…" Rory mused.

"A _complete_ betrayal. So I said something about going to a place where they give me money for my 'services,' and Luke naturally jumped from there to 'my nephew is a sex worker.'"

Rory doubled over with laughter, Jess watching her with amusement as she fell apart completely.

"Oh my G-d!" she finally choked out weakly, trying desperately to pull herself back together. "But little did he know, you were merely prostituting your _soul_ to the gods of Corporate Greed instead…"

"Sad, but true."

"So, how did this happen anyway?" Rory asked, once she'd regained her composure.

"Prostituting my soul? Same way anyone ends up prostituting themselves, I suppose... I needed the money."

"No, I mean, how did you acquire your 'squatter?'"

Jess grimaced in annoyance. "I thought we were done with this."

"No, _you_ were done with this. I, on the other hand, am _full_ of questions," Rory informed him, a determined gleam in her eye and bouncing on the balls of her feet in eagerness.

Jess was regarding her warily. "You're never going to let this go, are you?"

"Nope. I have just enough journalistic spirit left in me that you can be sure I will badger you about this until either you give me the scoop or one of us dies."

Jess rolled his eyes. "Jeez, I forgot how annoying you can be when you're like this."

"Oh, you know you _love_ it," Rory teased him saucily, "Don't lie!"

Jess tried unsuccessfully to suppress the little smile that tugged at one corner of his mouth, before heaving a great sigh of resignation.

"Ok, you want the story?"

"Yes, please," Rory said primly, shaking her hair back and giving him her full attention.

"Fine," he sighed. "Alright, so a few years back, I was walking home and I saw this group of kids clustering around something in an abandoned lot, and they were all yelling and, I don't know. I just got this really _bad_ feeling about it, so I went to check it out, and they were torturing this cat. I think they were trying to light him on fire or something; they had lighter fluid and everything… But anyway, I broke it up and chased 'em all off, and the cat ran and hid behind the dumpsters. I went over to check on him, but he was just hissing at me and makin' all those weird demon-possessed growly noises that cats make, so I just left him alone and went home. Well, next morning, I went out the back door to take the garbage out… We have one of those fire escapes that's kinda like a back porch where people can grow flowers and sh**, and there was the cat."

"The same cat from the day before?"

"Yep."

"How did you know it was the same cat?"

"'Cause he's an ugly motherf***er who's pretty d*** recognizable. He's only got one eye and he's completely black and missing a chunk out of his right ear."

"Oh my G-d," Rory realized giddily, "he's you in cat form!"

Jess arched one eyebrow at her. "You callin' me an ugly motherf***er, Gilmore?"

Rory smiled to herself. "Noooo, but am I calling you scrappy and feral and prone to getting in fights and dressing in black?" She tilted her head back and forth as if considering the idea. "Maybe…"

"Hey, I'm pretty well domesticated by now, you gotta admit."

"Yes, and so is the cat, apparently…"

"Do you want the story or not?"

"Ok, shutting up."

"So, he just sits there, staring at me. He must've followed me, I don't know. Either that, or used his demon powers to track me down; either one seems equally plausible… Anyway, it was weird, but I went to work, and he was gone when I came back. But then the next morning, there he was again. And the next day, and the next..."

"And he just stared at you the whole time?"

"No, eventually he started meowing at me too and trying to trip me down the f***ing stairs," Jess muttered resentfully.

"You mean, like winding around your ankles the way cats do when they _liiiike_ you?"

"Nah, I think he was trying to murder me."

"Uh-huh," Rory said wryly, not buying his version of events in the slightest.

"But anyway, this went on for _months_. And then it was winter and this huge snowstorm hit, and that d*** cat was just sitting by our back door, _yowling_. All. Night. Long. I couldn't sleep, my _roommate_ couldn't sleep, and Chris starts yelling at me to _do something_ about it because he has this delusion that this cat is somehow _mine_. So, I opened the back door, and the cat ran in and hid under the couch, and now he won't leave. End of story."

"How come I never saw him when I went to your place?"

"He was probably hiding under the bed in my room the entire time you were there. He hates everyone besides me, apparently."

Rory grinned in delight and couldn't resist teasing him. "Aww, he _loves_ you. You saved his life and now he just wants to be with you forever!"

"And, as they say, 'no good deed goes unpunished.'"

"Oh, come on. You're his hero!"

Jess stared at her skeptically. "If the fact that I don't enjoy _torturing animals_ makes me a hero, you have to admit that's a _pretty low bar_. That thing's such a menace… Do you know how _expensive_ cats are? Not just the food and all that stuff, but the vet bills _alone_ are ridiculous…"

"Wait, wait, wait. You say you can't get him to leave your apartment, but you _can_ somehow take him to the _vet_? Curiouser and curiouser!"

"He was a walking infestation and I don't want _fleas_ in my apartment, Rory! And then I had to get him castrated so he wouldn't spray piss all over my stuff, and I had to get those stupid little plastic caps put on all his claws so the little bastard wouldn't shred up all my furniture and my books."

"Is declawing cheaper than that?"

Jess looked insulted. "That's f***ing barbaric," he sneered. "What, so I don't like lighting cats on fire, but go ahead and chop the ends off all his fingers?"

"Of course. My mistake. You've convinced me: everything you've done has been _completely_ self-serving and not at all evidence that you care about this cat. But I _still_ don't understand how you can't get him out of your apartment if you can take him to the vet."

Jess waved his hand dismissively. "Ah, you journalists are always so _literal_. _Obviously_, I could just pick him up and throw him out the door at any time, _and have been tempted to do so on many occasions_, by the way_... _but he'd just keep coming back like a crazy stalker, and I'd be right back where I started. It's a hostage situation, is what it is."

"You _poor thing_. Still, you seem to be stuck with him, so I think you should give him a name."

"_Hostage situation_, Rory. That's like Stockholm Syndrome."

"Well, then _I'll_ give him a name. How about… Oh! I know! Edgar!"

"_Edgar_?" he scoffed. "Where the hell do you come up with a name like _Edgar_?"

"Figure it out," Rory said slyly.

Jess's gaze suddenly snapped to hers and he tilted his head to one side, staring at her intensely.

"Surely you remember how this game works, _Dodger…"_ she reminded him softly, smiling.

One corner of his mouth began to rise in a slow smirk and his eyes gleamed in recognition of her challenge. He let out a slow breath and then narrowed his eyes in concentration for only a few moments before nodding. "Ah, of course. Edgar Allen Poe. 'The Black Cat'."

Rory's smile widened. "I'm glad to see you haven't lost your touch, Jess," she said, her voice soft and velvety smooth. They smiled at each other, gazes locked for a few charged moments, and then Jess opened his mouth and said:

"I'm still not calling my cat 'Edgar,' though."

"Aw, come on!" Rory whined.

"Nope."

"Well, _I'm_ going to call him Edgar."

"You only get to call him Edgar if I get to call you 'Lorelai Leigh,' and that's final."

"But… _why_?" Rory sputtered. "Why would you even _want_ to?!"

Jess cleared his throat and then began reciting in a mocking, sing-song voice, "_I_ was a child, and _she_ was a child, in this kingdom by the sea. But we loved with a love that was _more_ than love, I and my…"

"Ok, ok. You've made your point," Rory grumbled, pouting.

"That story is seriously disturbing, though."

"'The Black Cat'? Well, _obviously_: it's _Poe_. It kinda fits, though, don't you think? Being haunted by a demon cat that you loathe with a passion?"

"I don't hate him _that_ much," Jess admitted begrudgingly.

Rory _pounced_. "Ah-ha! I _knew_ it! You _love_ that cat!" she crowed triumphantly.

Jess stared at her with wild eyes, as if she'd suddenly sprouted two heads. "Have you _read_ 'the Black Cat' lately? That's like saying that anything short of 'Heeeeeere's Johnny!' is a _happy marriage_."

Rory continued to smile smugly at him, eyes sparkling. "But you _do_ love him, don't you? Come on, admit it!" She was poking him in the chest with her finger and he grabbed it, swatting her hand away. "You'd be really upset if anything ever happened to that cat."

Jess sighed.

"Look," he said defeatedly, "at _best_ it's... sort of a Henry Higgins, Eliza Dolittle thing. In that, I guess I've grown accustomed to his f***ing face."

"Oh, is _that_ how that song goes?" Rory asked drily.

He shrugged. "Pretty much."

Rory considered his answer, head tilted to one side. "Ok, so... dysfunctional and codependent, then?"

"Exactly."

"And are you Henry or Eliza?"

"Well, _he's_ Eliza, clearly."

"Ahh, 'cause he _is_ a little guttersnipe."

"...And I'm an insufferable a**hole. So, yeah, it's a pretty perfect comparison."

Rory smiled at him fondly. "Even _you_ aren't as much of an insufferable a**hole as Professor Higgins, Jess."

"Even me, huh?"

"Yes, even you."

"Well, shucks, Gilmore, I'm blushing."

They smiled at each other for a long moment, and then Rory suddenly frowned in confusion.

"What?" Jess asked, studying her face. "What's wrong?"

"Oh. It's just… you said you've had this cat for several _years_ now? What did you do with him when you went to Argentina?"

"Ah," Jess smirked wickedly. "I just left him at home with Chris."

Rory stared hard at him. "Um… does Chris even _like_ the… ok. I can't keep saying 'the Cat' anymore. I'm calling him Edgar."

"As you wish, _Lorelai Leigh_, but you know the consequences… and the answer is no. Chris hates him, and the feeling is mutual. I don't know which one of them was more pissed at me for leaving them together, actually…" he snickered.

"Jess!"

"Hey, Chris _deserved_ it, _he_ knows what he did. And the d*** cat probably has PTSD, so it was better for him to stay where he was... but no, he wasn't happy with me. I think that might be the real reason he's moving out, actually…"

"Oh, yeah?"

"He wants to punish me by leaving _me_ alone with the little monster now."

"Oh, that must be it. Forget the fiancée, escaping_ Jess's cat_ must be the motivating factor."

"Well, it's a win-win for him. And now it's just me. Trapped alone in my apartment, with my stalker."

"Poor Jess," Rory teased, patting his arm consolingly. "Do you think you'll find another roommate?"

"I don't know," Jess sighed. "I'm doin' ok enough I can afford the rent on my own. And it might be nice to have a guest room for visitors. You know, there's even enough room in there for a _pack 'n' play_, if any visitors with small children wanted to come stay for the weekend…"

Rory smiled. "Well. That _does_ sound convenient."

"Doesn't it?" He raised his eyebrows significantly.

"So, really," Rory said, taking a deep breath. "Maybe this could be a win-win for _you_ too."

"Maybe it could," Jess murmured. Then he smiled.

**Let me know how you liked it! Thanks for reading!**


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